I became a Christian at the age of 15.  My church was having a revival this particular week and I was attending the revival every night with a couple of my friends.  I had been hearing about how Christ was good for the soul and how you could have all the good things that God had promised.

 

I remember crying and looking over at my friend begging with my eyes that she would walk me down the aisle to the preacher.  But she never understood what my look meant.  So in the end, I forced myself to make those steps to where the preacher stood and I explained to him my desire.  I wanted to share in the life of Christ.

 

I believe then, and still do today, that Christ died on the cross for my sins.  He is my Savior.

 

My high school years were difficult.  But they were a piece of cake compared to what I have experienced the last twenty-one years.

 

All through this website you will hear my testimony of the things I have gone through and suffered.  Rape, the loss of a child, beatings nearly every night for three years, near death experience, and the list goes on.

 

I have been depressed since my early twenties.  Maybe even longer when I think about it. 

 

At age 19 I was brutally raped while three men stood over me and watched and laughed while I cried.  For nearly ten years I kept the incident buried deep inside of me.  I told no one about what had happened to me.  No one.

 

In my early twenties, I lost my unborn child when I was four months pregnant.  I was thrown down the isle of a bus when the driver slammed on his breaks to keep from hitting a dog.

 

For nearly twenty years I lived in a world of total darkness.  I was so deeply depressed I did not know what to do.  I did not care about living, or about anything.  I'd sit in total darkness and cry for  hours. 

 

It got to where I was so angry with God for making me the way I was, that I stopped going to church, and stopped praying.  I could not understand why he chose to take the life of my child  I felt an enormous burden weighing me down.  Every day was a struggle.  I felt hopeless and worthless.  My life had no meaning.  I was never happy.  Not one day. 

 

About seven years ago I went to the hospital suffering from a kidney stone which I had had for nearly a year and could not get rid of.  The stone had grown so large and had blocked the exit of the kidney kidney could not work properly and it had deteriorated so badly that I nearly lost it. 

 

When the doctor went in to dislodge the stone and crush the stone, poison from the kidney went into my lungs and heart.  Immediately the doctor had to postpone the surgery.  When they awakened me, the doctor told me he could not get my temperature under 105.  My chest felt like it was on fire.

 

The doctor told me I had pneumonia.  I was put on strong antibiotics and strong doses of potassium to keep my heart functioning during this crisis.

 

I was in ICU for 11 days.  On Thansgiving day and I begged the doctor to go home to be with my family.  He released me that day, and as I was leaving he told me I was a Miracle.  He told me I shouldn't be walking out those doors.

 

Recovery from that experience took nearly 6 months.

 

After that, I still continued to suffer as the days and months passed by in a blur.  One day in desperation, I yelled out to God, "How could you do this to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why me?????"

 

I felt as though he didn't love me or care about me.  But what I have come to learn, is that I was not living the kind of life that God had intended for me.  I was living in the blackness of sin.  I did not give him control over my life.  I was doing the things that only I wanted to do.  I didn't care about serving him, or doing his will. 

 

And it is true.  I have never really cared about living a good, wholesome life, free of sin and evil.  I didn't care about making someone else happy.  I did not care if someone else felt sadness, or pain, or sorrow.  I was living an isolated life, with no friends.  My family relationships were failing in every way.  I made bad decisions and allowed bad people into my life.  And because of that, I have done many things that I regret and feel an emense guilt and shame over.

 

It took one person coming into my life to show me what my life should have been like all these years.  Her name is Christen.  Her father is the pastor of a mall church I once belonged to.  Her husband was the associate pastor.  She now has three young children and she and her husband are planning to go as missionaries to Brazil as soon as they earn enough support to do so.

 

It was funny how me met.  She'd been my neighbor for a while, but we had never taken the time to meet.  But one day she came over to the house to invite me to a candle party.

 

Things just took off from there.  I found myself opening up to her and talking about things I'd never talked about with anyone.  I talked to her about my depression and my anger with God.  And very day she prayed with me.

 

As God would have it, he worked in a way that would put the two of us in contact with each other every day.  The baby sitter I had at the time was raising her fees to $40.00 a week (for one hour a day, five days a week), which was astronomical for a single mother and only one income coming in.  In desperation I asked Christen if she would be willing to watch Kathryne for me.  And she agreed.

 

Our friendship began to blossom.  Christen was very spiritual and it showed.  She was very generous and caring too.

 

Eventually I asked her if we could start doing Bible Study together.  She thought that was a great idea to her, so we started doing them on Thursdays.  She would cook dinner and me and Kat would join her family for dinner.  Afterwards we would study out of a booklet and learn about the Bible.

 

We would pray before and after each study we did.  I learned a lot from her, mostly how to pray.

 

When things began to bother me at work, or at home, as I had a ton of trouble with my daughter, I would always ask her to pray.  And she always obliged.  It took me a long time though, to learn to trust God enough to pray again.

 

But eventually I did.

 

It came after a really bad bout of depression.  I was severely depressed and attempted suicide by taking an over dose.  Then I broke off a pending engagement to a man who was not good for me.

 

It was then that I started taking my bible to work with me.  I would sit in my car at lunch and read the book of psalms.  I would write my feelings in a journal, then I'd pray.  Then at night, just before bedtime, I'd read the book of psals and it would instill in me a sense of peace and calm.  I grew more to love and trust in God. 

 

After 8 years away from God, I started attending church again. I started listening to the sermons and really getting the meaning of what Christianity was all about.  I started reading the Bible, doing daily devotions, and praying.  Two, three, four times a day I would pray.  I would pray as often as necessary to get me through the day.  It was like God had become my medicine.  My link to survival.

 

And through this process, a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  I no longer felt that deep depression, that suicidal tendancy, the deep-rooted anger.   I am at peace inside myself.  I can move easily through each day.  When I feel irritable or edgy, or out of sorts, I open my bible and I read, or a I pray. 

 

I can't say that it is always one hundred percent effective, but it works.

 

I am completely devoted to Christ.  I have handed my life over to Him. Two years ago, I rededicated my life back to Christ again.  I was baptised along with my daughter when she was saved.  When I feel weak, I ask him for strength, and He gives it to me because He loves me and I am His child.

 

When I am sad or depressed, or having thoughts I shouldn't, I turn to the Book of Psalms and begin to read.  Psalms comforts me, gives me hope and encouragement.

 

For so long, every day, I had thoughts of suicide.  I would rather be dead than to face my life.  I hated myself, who I was, and everything I stood for.  I could not stand to look at myself in the mirror.  But today I am a changed person, because God has touched my life.

 

I see everything in a different light.  I feel different inside.  I have been filled with a peace and a calm I didn't know I could ever possess.  And I know it is because I am relying on God for everything in my life.  Even when I was faced with cancer, I was not afraid.  I looked to the Lord for the strength to face my battle.  I believe that he would heal me and restore my health completely.  I never wavered.

 

So many people around me, was amazed at my strength, my determination, and my unfailing faith.  Many told me I was an inspiration and they shared my stories with others they knew.

 

God is real.  He is alive and working in my life.  My desire is for you to know Christ as I do, that you will be blessed and know the goodness and faithfulness that only He can give to you.

 

If you would like to talk about how Jesus Christ can work miracles in your own life, I'd be glad to share more of my experience with you.  You may contact me at the email address below.

 

If you would like to read more about my battle with depression, please click on the link below.

 

Thank you for taking the time to visit my website.  I hope that I have made an impact in your life.

 

Joan