A Rose Among Thorns

January 2007

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January began a new round of chemo with a new drug called Taxotere.  It was one of the worst drugs I've ever known.  With this drug I found myself experience so many different aches and pains and emotions that I did not have with Andramycin and Cytoxin.  With Taxotere,  my body hurt all over, almost like someone sticking small daggers sporadically thorughout my body.  My legs hurt and the bottoms of my feet hurt as if I'd been walking on rocks all day.  The steriods made me edgy and irritable.  But I think the worst thing was losing my taste buds.  It made eating very unpleasant.  I remember one night coming home and fixing about five or six different things to eat.  My daughter asked why I was cooking so much.  I said because I'm hoping I will be able to eat at least one of these things.  I was unable to eat any  of it.  I ended up getting angry.  I stormed into the kitchen and slammed my plate down on the stove, then I told my daughter, "I guess I'll just starve."  Well I didn't starve, but I am glad that the treatment is now over and behind me.  I still have some side affects.  I suppose it will take time for it all to wear off.  My nails are the worst.  They are very brittle and break off easily.  I am having to keep them trimmed down to nearly the quick, to keep them from breaking off too far and causing a lot of pain.

Lord, this treatment is really hard on me.  I don't understand the changes I am going through.  I feel angry and sad and completely helpless.  I ask that you  help me to get through this.  Help the treatments to go smoothly and quickly so that I can begin my recovery.  Thank you for your patience and understanding.  Thank you for loving me and forgive me for my anger.  Amen.

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