In the silence of darkness I am alone. Alone and crying. I can hardly breathe as I lay there feeling this hopeless desperation that consumes every part of me. I feel the shaking of my shoulders as my sobs grow louder. There is an endless aching of loneliness. I reach out to hold onto something, someone. But I’m all alone. No family, no friends. Just me and the silence in the darkness.

I cannot begin to understand this pain, this agony. It never leaves me. Not for a minute, not for a day. I am never happy. Never truly happy. I only smile to those I see and pretend for a moment that I am normal.

But what is normal when you can barely push yourself out of bed? What is normal when you prefer the darkness to the light of day. Because when daybreak comes you must face the world again. It would be so easy to bury myself in the bed covers and stay there an eternity. But unfortunately life is not made that simple.

Unfortunately I have responsibilities. Responsibilities to my family, pets and home. To my job and friends. To those whom I love and even to myself. But there are many times when I wished that I could escape it all. Sometimes death seems easier than going through this living hell that I suffer day in and day out, ceaselessly and endlessly.

I wonder often why the good Lord gave this disease to me. It is far worse than cancer. With cancer you at least have a chance for a cure in most cases. But with this deep depression, there is no cure. You can only manage your medications in an attempt to manage your lifestyle.

You never know from one day to the next, one minute to the next, how you will feel. Depression can come on when you lease expect it. At the drop of a hat you can begin to weep without cause. Without warning. Those who love you cannot understand you. You can’t even understand it yourself.

It is like a phantom in the night just waiting for the moment to strike. And when it does you do not know how bad it will be or how long it will last.

There are many forms of depression. There is Clinical Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression, Postpartum Depression. The list goes on and on.

Each one is treated differently. But each one must be dealt with and not ignored, for to ignore the disease can have serious repercussions. Depression can destroy relationships, tear families apart, and even destroy the very lives we live.

Depression is not a joke. Depression is very serious and cannot be ignored.

I have been depressed for nearly 20 years since the loss of my first child in a tragic bus accident. I have not been normal since though I pray continually for God to make me better. But there seems to be no hope.

I go through each day with the constant ups and downs of my emotions. I do not react as others do to the normal disappointments that occur throughout the day. Instead I become detached from the world. I stew and grow angry. I lash out. I may scream or stomp my feet. And deep inside I hate myself for being the person that I am.

I know that I will never be as pretty, or as smart as each one of my sisters. And I do not begrudge them the blessings that God has bestowed upon them. For I love my sisters. But I envy them, for they both have been blessed with good husbands who treat them well. And I pray that someday God will place a good man in my life that will love me for who I am and not for what he wants me to be.

I also know that I will never be as wealthy as I wish I could be. But I pray the good Lord will provide for my every need and see me through this life without further financial affliction.

I pray that God will make me stronger and better, that I will resist the temptations of suicide, that I will learn to control the ache inside of me when it rears its ugly head. I pray for wisdom, that I will reach out to those who care, turn to those willing to listen and draw comfort from their words of encouragement.

I pray for healing, not of the body, but of the mind and the spirit. That I will soar above the clouds and I will be free from the pain and misery, the loathing and hatred. Be free of all the sorrow that threatens to bring me down.

I pray for happiness For a moment of pure bliss in which there is no darkness, only a golden ray of light that warms me and protects me like a mother’s tender arms.

I pray for knowledge, that I can lend support and understanding to those afflicted with this disease. That they, too, may find the strength to conquer this illness.

I ask for forgiveness from all those I have hurt, either intentionally or unintentionally. I pray that God will give me the power to remain quiet when I should, to turn my back when I am angry and refrain from hurtful actions. For all I want is to leave this world knowing that I gave the best that I could to those I love. To leave without guilt weighing heavy on my shoulders.

And I know that all of this can be accomplished only by one source. The Light of God. Luke 1:37 says, "For with God nothing shall be impossible."

I encourage each and everyone who may be afflicted with depression, to seek help not only from a professional who has been trained to deal with this sort of thing. But also seek help from God. Who understands us better than Him who gave us life?

There may be no cure, but there is help and support for those of you who seek it.

I waited patiently for God to help me; then he listened and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on hard, firm path and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, of praises to our God. Now many will hear of the glorious things he did for me, and stand in awe before the Lord, and put their trust in him.

Psalms 40: 1-3

Patience is a true virtue. I have recently learned this. God does not always answer our prayers in a timely fashion. We may not understand why this is. But in essence, God has a plan for each and everyone of us. He has charted your life out before you were even born. Good things will happen to you, but only when God is ready for them to happen. He will know when the time is right. Then, and only then, He will bestow upon you all the blessings He has for you.

God,

I know I am not the most patient person in the world. I am anxious to hear you answer my prayers. Please forgive me for being so impatient. Please help me to overcome this fault of mine so that I can learn to please You. Please give me a peace to calm my frail nerves. Help me to rely and depend upon You in everything I do. I know You have a plan for me. I know that You will answer my prayers when You are ready. So for now I give You all my faith and trust.

Amen.